This blog post examines the psychology of exam-takers and the role of parents, highlighting behaviors parents should avoid to ensure home remains a true place of rest.
For exam takers, home is a symbol of rest and a space shared with parents, their greatest sponsors in life. Therefore, the home and parents should be the most comfortable and secure presence for the student. Parents should create the most suitable environment for studying and help the exam taker make the best choices and give their utmost effort at every moment.
But let’s think about this again. Did the children truly feel home was the most comfortable place? Was it truly the most suitable environment for studying? Based on my own experiences, those of my friends, and the stories of students I’ve counseled, most say they were not particularly satisfied. While the loving family environment can sometimes feel like a solid support for exam takers, the fact is that many parents, often unaware, push their children into stress and confusion. Parents reading this might feel regret, but actions taken out of love for their children often end up stressing them out. This isn’t because children don’t appreciate their parents’ kindness, but because they are high school seniors facing their first major personal challenge in life: the college entrance exam.
Let’s outline actions parents should avoid for their children’s sake. Before we begin, I want to share one crucial fact parents often overlook: seniors are more mature and rational than you might think. Yet, they are also more emotionally fragile than ever before.
First, avoid conflicts with your student as much as possible. This is the most crucial point, which is why it’s listed first. When counseling parents, I often hear complaints like, “My child must have been my enemy in a past life. Otherwise, why would we fight so often?” But children don’t want to fight with their parents either. Students also feel drained after arguing with their parents. So why do they fight? By senior year, both students and parents experience significant stress, whether consciously or unconsciously. And the home is often the easiest, almost the only place for students to express that stress. While it’s hard to show their true selves outside, it’s relatively easier at home. So, they might say nothing outside but easily get angry over small things once they’re home. Yet, parents are already exhausted and have little room to tolerate their child’s tantrums. Parents are working hard to support their child, but if the child reacts with anger, it can lead to major conflicts between parent and child.
The key point here is that “children aren’t fighting because they dislike their parents, but because they’ve accumulated too much stress.” For a 19-year-old in their final year of high school, the CSAT is by no means an easy mountain to climb. While its difficulty level might be lower compared to other exams, the CSAT is the first major challenge students face in their lives. This subjects them to immense stress. The only people who can protect these children are their parents. If a mother responds with double the irritation when her child is frustrated, the child will feel they have lost their support. I too was known as a strict tutor during my university days, but after taking a leave of absence to retake the CSAT, I became a vulnerable person who cried while eating after arguing with my parents. Even if the student gets irritable and throws tantrums, it’s more crucial than ever for parents to accept them and, even when anger boils over, for parents to yield. Revenge can wait until after the CSAT is over and they get into college.
Second, don’t compare your child to others. “Solomon’s dad got promoted and doubled his salary!” “My high school classmate Daniel just remarried—his new wife is so young and pretty, and her family is well-off too!” How would you feel if your spouse said something like this? Even the most virtuous person would struggle to avoid a fight. People who compare often think, “That person can do it, so why can’t you?” Even if the comparison stems from a desire for the other person’s success, looking deeper reveals it’s no different from criticism. Naturally, the person hearing this feels their worth isn’t recognized, sinking into feelings of inferiority and defeat, thinking they fall short of the comparison. Parents comparing their children to others’ kids is no different. Pointing out a child’s shortcomings like a whip only wounds them and erodes their self-esteem.
Truthfully, children already know where and how they fall short. They’re already under significant stress; there’s no need for parents to amplify their anxiety. Parental comparisons only make children feel criticized. Over time, an emotional rift forms between parents and children, and ultimately, the student feels such immense pressure that they can’t focus on studying. It’s best not to create situations that hurt each other in the first place. Of course, occasionally there are students who boast, “I’m the best!” But even those children carry significant pressure regarding college entrance exams.
Third, avoid education shopping. Some parents, concerned their child is weak in math, hire two math tutors based on recommendations from other moms. When grades don’t improve quickly, they switch tutors upon hearing rumors about a famous teacher, transfer to a cram school known for high-prestige university placements, and even enroll their child in classes taught by famous online star instructors. This phenomenon is called education shopping. It’s like making impulsive purchases at a department store, choosing your child’s education on a whim. Impulse buys at a department store result in financial loss if unused, but education shopping doesn’t end with financial loss. Private tutoring has its limits in raising grades. If the time spent in cram schools or private lessons becomes excessive, leaving little time for self-study, it may seem like the child is studying hard, but grades might not improve or could even drop. Frequently changing academies or tutors easily disrupts the flow of studying. When a teacher changes, students must adapt to that teacher’s teaching style. If teachers change monthly, studying never stabilizes, and time is wasted solely on adapting to new methods. It’s wise to observe a new teacher for at least four months. This is because grades that were stagnating often rise sharply once the teacher and student develop a good rapport.
Exam takers are in a psychologically vulnerable and anxious state. Fighting, comparing them to other children, or creating an unstable study environment when their emotional maturity hasn’t fully developed reduces learning efficiency and makes the student even more anxious. Additionally, it’s best to avoid actions like excessively emphasizing parental sacrifice to the child, dismissing the child’s study methods, buying them a smartphone, or overly forcing reading. Above all, the most important thing is understanding how mentally challenging the situation is for the student and having a heart willing to share their pain. I respect and cheer on the students reading this and their parents!
