In this blog post, I’ll look back on the moment when I felt most useless and talk about the reasons behind it and what I learned from that experience.
This happened when I was a senior in high school. I was the type of person who spent a lot of time joking around with my friends. One day, a friend was teasing me and, as a joke, hit me hard in the chest, which really upset me. We were usually very close—the kind of friends who would playfully tease each other all the time—but I was unusually sensitive that day, and what started as a minor argument eventually escalated into a major fight. Under normal circumstances, I would have just laughed it off, but perhaps because of the stress of being a senior in high school, I reacted much more sensitively than usual. After that, I stopped talking to my best friend, and even when we ran into each other, I’d walk right past as if we were strangers. Since we lived in the same direction and even went to the same study hall and cram school, we couldn’t help but run into each other often. Every time that happened, it was incredibly awkward for both of us, and even though I desperately wanted to apologize, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Looking back, I felt like such a pathetic and worthless person. Even though I knew I was clearly in the wrong, I couldn’t bring myself to apologize right away, and we ended up maintaining a strained relationship until the college entrance exams were over. After I was accepted into college, I finally mustered the courage to apologize to her, and we eventually made up and went back to being best friends just like before. However, I couldn’t even deliver that apology in person—I had to pass it on through another friend. Looking back, it was a truly pathetic and pathetic display.
The reason I felt I had made a fool of myself in this experience wasn’t simply because I had a fight with a friend. What I was most ashamed of was that, even though I knew I was in the wrong, I couldn’t bring myself to apologize right away. I also regretted that I reacted emotionally to even minor issues and was the first to get angry at my friend. I regretted it immediately after the fight. I kept feeling regret—both about acting on impulse and about how I should treat that friend going forward. Eventually, just as I’d expected, my friend and I grew very distant, to the point where we couldn’t even pretend to acknowledge each other.
Of course, people may have different opinions about this incident. Some people said that I wasn’t at fault—since my friend had teased me first—and that my friend should have apologized first. But I saw it differently. The moment I felt the urge to apologize first, the fact that I couldn’t muster the courage right then was what I found most disappointing about myself. So, how can I fix this flaw? Even when I know I’m in the wrong, it’s not easy for me to step forward and be brave. Unless I absolutely have to in a given situation, I tend not to take the initiative. I believe this is something I must definitely change. I’m not sure of the exact reason, but I have a timid side while also having a strong sense of pride. While I follow along with what others do behind the scenes, I tend to hesitate when it comes to situations where I actually need to take the initiative. That’s why I feel I need to work on changing this aspect of my personality, even if only little by little. I also think my tendency to get emotional easily is a major problem. Even though it was a sensitive time—my senior year of high school—I got angry right away at a friend who was just joking around as usual. What I should have done back then wasn’t to argue, but to talk it out. I couldn’t help but feel upset by my friend’s prank, but instead of reacting emotionally, I should have honestly told him first that I was feeling upset. If I had done that, my friend would have understood how I felt, and he wouldn’t have played such pranks afterward.
Aside from this, I have countless other flaws and shortcomings. However, the reason I can still view myself positively is that, as shown in this essay, I know how to reflect on and examine my own actions. Whenever I discover a shortcoming, I reflect on it and resolve to work on improving it. Of course, I can’t change every flaw, but I want to keep making consistent efforts to improve the aspects I can change. And if I can see myself continuing to make those efforts, I believe I’ll like myself much more than I do now.
