This blog post explores which way human nature leans—toward good or evil—in moments of crisis. We examine the inner selves revealed in extreme situations and ponder ways to overcome them.
According to Nietzsche, people are divided into good people and bad people, virtuous people and wicked people. A good person is not necessarily virtuous, and vice versa. The relationship between bad people and wicked people is similarly analogous. Here, Nietzsche proposed the emotion of ‘envy’ as the criterion for distinguishing good and evil. The moment envy intervenes, a person’s actions are judged as evil. Specifically, he stated that when one approaches others with envy from the outset, the preceding action is not self-evaluation but the evaluation of others. That is, the act of evaluating others before evaluating oneself is an act where envy intervenes, and according to Nietzsche, this can be defined as an evil act. This perspective of Nietzsche’s is not merely a matter of moral judgment but serves as an important indicator revealing the complex psychology within humans. People often evaluate others to justify their own actions, but the hidden feelings of envy and jealousy within inevitably lead to evil behavior. For this reason, Nietzsche emphasized the importance of self-reflection, arguing that looking inward at one’s own inner self is crucial before evaluating others.
Senior year of high school is the most sensitive and unbearable time for everyone, with the college entrance exams looming right before them. Even I, who had a dull personality, became hypersensitive during this period. It was likely due to the approaching college entrance exam, fluctuating grades, and the tension in the classroom. I endured dozens of things that kept provoking my heightened sensitivity and finally took the exam, but the resulting score made me the most depressed person in the world. I sank into self-loathing for a while, and during that time, no words of comfort reached me. Only after that period passed did I finally hear what my other friends were saying. Some said they did better than expected, while others were annoyed about mistakes they made. But to me, already the most depressed person in the world, it all sounded like idle chatter. At the time, my friends’ words felt like they were mocking my failure, and I sank deeper and deeper into despair. Jealousy over their success mixed with disappointment in myself, and the dark emotions inside me gradually surfaced. And I still regret the thoughts I harbored back then.
There are two friends I feel most sorry for. One was a friend who usually scored lower than me, but who actually did exceptionally well on the college entrance exam. I had never considered the possibility of scoring lower than that friend, yet that’s exactly what happened. Moreover, hearing the news while exhausted, my initial envy eventually turned into outright jealousy toward that friend. “I studied harder than him and always did well…” That thought made me unwilling to even offer a single word of praise, so I actively avoided him. At the time, his success felt like proof of my failure, and even his laughter tormented me. While envying him, I felt pathetic myself, yet I couldn’t easily shake off that feeling. Another friend was someone I shared a dorm room with. He was smarter than me but didn’t put in much effort. Even normally, I envied how his grades were always good compared to the effort he put in. But during the college entrance exam, his results were even better than mine. Since we shared a room, we inevitably exchanged all sorts of stories. The more we talked, the more my feelings of regret and envy amplified, and I inevitably ended up feeling jealous too. In those moments, driven by envy, I thought of curses too vile to utter aloud and even cursed them. Perhaps because they were right beside me, their success felt all the more sharp and painful. The closer they were, the harder it was to bear seeing them surpass me, and I only grew to hate myself more for it.
Fortunately, I never voiced those thoughts. I suppose I hadn’t completely lost my reason. Now, seeing those friends, I think they’ve all done well, and I still feel ashamed that I once harbored such thoughts. But looking back on those feelings, I realize how deeply I was immersed in envy. The fact that I ever had those thoughts remains a great source of shame for me even now. Some might criticize me, saying I only feel remorse now because I’d already been accepted into Seoul National University’s medical school. But I can clearly state that’s not the case. It was only after comparing my CSAT scores to the score chart and realizing I might have to retake the exam in the worst-case scenario, and after accepting retaking as a given while still striving for the remaining admissions, that my mind finally settled and I truly reflected. One of the things I regret most is how petty I can become when pushed to the limit. I thought I had a fairly easygoing personality, but when actually faced with that situation, I couldn’t encourage my friends, and I felt truly pathetic. “Even though we were usually such a close-knit group who looked out for each other, did I really deserve to be called a friend after harboring jealous thoughts and having such harsh ideas?” “How would that friend feel if they knew I thought that way?” “Even as I reflect now, could I really avoid repeating this behavior if faced with a similar situation again…?” I had so many thoughts. The most frightening thought was that I might repeat this behavior in the future. In a way, what I did then might be my true nature, and I couldn’t be certain I wouldn’t do it again. And throughout my life so far, that experience revealed another hidden side within me. It was a moment of disappointment in myself, yet also a catalyst for acknowledging emotions buried deep inside. I realized I must no longer hide or deny those feelings, but somehow accept and overcome them.
To be honest, I don’t particularly like myself. I really dislike that I’m not the kind of person who can help a friend when pushed to the limit. I resolve to change this aspect of my character going forward, but I wonder if effort alone can truly alter my very nature. I also wonder if trying to change my nature isn’t just an effort to hide it. However, I’ve come to understand that this process of self-reflection is essential for inner growth. It’s not merely about changing myself, but about becoming a more mature person. I don’t want to hurt my friends anymore. To avoid hurting them, I will first try my best to hide this aspect of my nature. Only when the value of my friends occupies a greater place in my heart than my own nature will I finally be able to like myself. I believe my nature will never disappear, but I also believe that by engraving a greater value within my heart, I can overcome it. I will strive harder until I can truly like myself.
