In this blog post, we deeply explore whether parents’ curfew restrictions stem from genuine concern and love for their children, or if they are merely one-sided control and interference.
One moment in my life when I felt utterly pathetic was several years ago, during high school, when I had a huge fight with my mom. We had minor arguments before, but this time was far more serious, and emotions ran high. The reason for the fight was the curfew. While we never set a specific time, my mom would always call me the moment it passed 9 PM when I was out with friends. My friends could stay out until dawn without issue, but my mom was the only one who did this, so I was always frustrated. On the day of the incident, Mom suddenly demanded I be home by 11 PM. But I was still outside talking to a friend after 11 when I unexpectedly ran into her. She scolded me, asking why I wasn’t home yet. In that moment, all the pent-up frustration I’d been holding in exploded, and I snapped at her right in front of my friend. After returning home, we had a huge fight. Mom was much angrier than I had anticipated. But from my perspective, I couldn’t understand why she was being so harsh over just being a little late; it only made me angrier. Then, suddenly, Mom became so overcome with emotion in front of me that she started crying. In that instant, I thought, ‘Oh no!’ But at the time, we were both caught up in our emotions and couldn’t properly sort things out; it just fizzled out. After that, we barely spoke at all except for what was absolutely necessary. It wasn’t until several days later that Mom finally reached out first, and we were able to mend our relationship.
After this incident, I felt so ashamed of myself and reflected deeply. As time passed and I matured, I began to change my behavior and attitude. Reflecting on how we’d argued over such a trivial matter, I concluded that rebelling against my mom wouldn’t bring me any good. I started thinking it was better for me to compromise a little rather than risk both of us feeling hurt. For example, when my mom would tell me what time to be home, I used to just flat-out refuse and come back after curfew without even contacting her. Then, when she scolded me, I’d argue back that the curfew was too early. But after that incident, I became deeply disappointed in myself and reflected a lot. If I had complaints, I should have had a rational conversation with Mom beforehand to find a compromise. Why did I always just get annoyed first when the situation arose? If someone had treated me that way, how much would I have disliked them? Thinking about it that way, I felt even more sorry and grateful to my mom for accepting and loving me despite my foolish actions. After that, I consciously tried to snap at her less, and when conflicts arose, I usually took a step back first. Even about the early curfew, I thought, “I can see my friends again next time, so let’s just go home early tonight.” My friends noticed my changed attitude and suddenly asked why I was acting differently, why I was so obedient to my mom’s words. But I thought differently from them. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to hang out anymore; I just started to understand my mom’s feelings a little better and didn’t feel the need to stay out late. I realized there was no point in fighting with her and disobeying her. Changing my mindset like that meant I clashed with my mom much less often.
Back then, seeing my mom’s tears made me feel like I was automatically at fault and pathetic. But was I really in the wrong? Looking solely at the curfew, I don’t think I did anything particularly wrong. This rule was undemocratic because my mom imposed it unilaterally without any agreement with me. I never agreed to it, so I didn’t break a promise. In fact, when I left home, I clearly told my mom that coming back by 11 PM was ridiculous. So, strictly speaking, I didn’t break any promise or do anything wrong.
Another reason I blamed myself was because I thought my mom made that rule out of love and concern for me, and I was being ungrateful and selfish. But this also needs to be examined. Was coming home early truly for my own good? Wasn’t it more to ease Mom’s worry while she waited at home? I wasn’t out partying; I was just chatting with friends at a neighborhood cafe or on a walking path. What’s so different between 11 PM and midnight? Thinking about it now, Mom probably didn’t let me stay out late because she needed her children home to sleep peacefully. Back then, my young mind thought her actions stemmed from selflessness, but in hindsight, they might have been selfish. If they were selfish, then the conflict was largely Mom’s responsibility for setting rules without compromise.
Finally, I wonder if Mom’s actions came from genuine concern or control. She says she acted that way because she loves me and wants me to be safe, but that’s not a valid justification. My friends’ parents let them stay out past dawn as long as they called ahead—does that mean they didn’t love their children? Mom linked love and control, calling it “concern.” That concern and love weakened my resolve back then, but looking back, it seems illogical. I understand concern turning into worry, but as I said before, when it becomes control without agreement, it’s undemocratic and selfish.
Now, thinking about it objectively, I don’t think I acted that pathetically. My mom was the one who caused the conflict in the first place. If she had seriously talked with me and discussed the curfew, we could have understood and considered each other a bit more. Of course, it’s not just my mom’s fault. Venting frustration and arguing with her without reason is a foolish approach. While expressing my thoughts is important, it would have been wiser to consider her feelings and communicate rationally. Ultimately, my mom was also at fault, so feeling dissatisfied doesn’t make me a pathetic person. However, if I could become someone who handles situations more rationally, I could become a better person than I am now.
I tried to reflect on myself and change in a way that would help me grow. Regardless of whose fault was greater or who was wrong first, I felt I was still a decent person because I recognized my own shortcomings and began to reflect on them and change. If I hadn’t changed at all after such a big fight with Mom, I would have been truly immature and short-sighted. But I’m relieved that I can blame myself and work to fix my bad aspects. After this incident, my determination to express my opinions to Mom while still treating her well grew much stronger, and I’m actually putting that into practice. It took seeing my mother’s vulnerable side because of my mistake to finally snap me out of it. I will change so that this never happens again. Furthermore, I strive to distinguish between conveying my opinions and expressing my emotions, not just with my mother but with everyone around me. I will make sure to clearly state my views while being more careful not to hurt the other person’s feelings, and I will think twice before getting irritable. I will continue to reflect on my actions and cultivate myself to become a better person.
