This blog post explores why forming various relationships in college might paradoxically increase loneliness. We’ll examine why the quality of relationships matters more than their quantity.
Human relationships are something every college student worries about and thinks about. Humans are beings who live alongside others, and this nature becomes even stronger and takes on greater importance within a community. For me too, after entering university, the aspect I worried about most was human relationships.
At first, I thought it would be like that. Coming from an all-boys high school, I expected university to be like high school: easy to make friends, quick to reconcile with those you didn’t click with, and free of superficial relationships. I imagined my university peers would be a community rich in mutual support, where we could share our hearts, lean on each other during tough times, and help one another. After all, it was the top university, gathering the brightest minds!
However, relationships in college turned out to be far more complex than I anticipated. In this essay, I will argue the point I arrived at after a year of college life: “You don’t need to try to know many people in your relationships.”
One of the first characteristics you encounter in college is the ‘multitude of relationships’. This is because it’s a society where people of diverse personalities, coming from various regions, gather together. The first argument supporting this claim is that forming numerous relationships in college can lead to loneliness. As minors, we spend three years following a standardized high school curriculum under our parents or guardians, largely free from significant practical worries. This process is extremely demanding, fostering a psychological reliance on those around us, a desire to endure together, and a relative decrease in selfish attitudes. Furthermore, spending nearly 24 hours a day together lays the foundation for genuine relationships. However, in college, students live independently from home and must consider various practical issues. This is because they must now design and take responsibility for their own careers—not through a standardized education—dealing with allowances, grades, how others perceive them, employment, military service, certifications, and more. In this process, their self-centered tendencies relatively increase. This also leads to conflicts and worries, amplifying individual loneliness.
One might counter that high school also brings together diverse members who can form ‘multiple human relationships’. However, the difference between high school and university, as mentioned earlier, stems from the fundamental distinction between adults and minors: adults must approach their current lives with greater realism and responsibility. While high school students also form close bonds and create shared memories within their multiple relationships, they tend to be less selfish and exclusive due to the common goal of college entrance exams. Furthermore, spending long hours together in the same building makes it less likely for loneliness to arise from these multiple relationships. University typically involves temporary encounters outside of classes, like club activities, whereas high school involves spending the entire day together in one building, resulting in less loneliness.
The second reason is that relationships are heavily influenced by environmental factors as much as personal intent. Spatial characteristics significantly impact relationships. Temporal characteristics also play a crucial role in forming intimacy. Due to its objective characteristics—independent departments and a free elective system—college often leads to forming a network of casual, superficial friendships. In this case, loneliness tends to increase. I too initially tried to share my heart with many friends in a broad, casual way, but it was a futile effort. I tried to become close with people I only knew by face and name from various classes, or friends met briefly at events, but found it difficult to form deep relationships due to conflicting schedules. Ultimately, I realized that if you only make light, broad acquaintances, it becomes hard to receive genuine help when you’re truly struggling or need a favor.
So I thought and pondered. I sought answers by experiencing every possible human connection available to me: friends who came to the same university in the same region, large-scale communities, department clubs, and central campus clubs.
The conclusion I reached was simple: “Wherever you go, only a few people truly resonate with you. You should give your best effort to those few relationships. No matter what you do, those who stay will stay, and those who leave will leave.” In a way, it might seem like I gave up on building a large network, and in truth, I did.
In conclusion, loneliness felt more acute when forming relationships with many people, and the happy, warm aspects of human connection could only be felt when with a few kindred spirits. In other words, forming numerous relationships does not alleviate a university student’s loneliness. Of course, building diverse relationships isn’t entirely negative. But there’s no need to force yourself to get to know many people. We’ve only lived 20 years so far, and countless people will cross our paths ahead. Meeting many people in these fleeting years is a fundamental human trait. Just as some will resonate with us, many won’t.
Let’s approach this simply. There’s no need to obsess over people who don’t click with us or who don’t seek deep connections. Of course, I’m not talking about relationships that are hostile. We should understand that such relationships may have their own positive aspects in certain situations and learn to let them go lightly. It’s also wise not to rule out the possibility that a friend who doesn’t click with us now might eventually become a good match. In other words, while human relationships are formed to some extent by our own choices, I’ve come to realize that ultimately, they are shaped by the inherent tendencies between people.
In other words, even if today’s college students feel lonely and exhausted, there’s no need to despair just because there aren’t many people around. Somewhere out there, there will be someone who clicks with you. If you have your own genuine relationships—feeling that simple, sincere happiness within them, and recognizing the necessity of maturing through human connection—then being with such people will make for a much more fulfilling college life.
